Verbal blogging, driving myself mad

Apparently this has been sitting in my drafts since February. I completely forgot about it.

I haven't been keeping up with this lately. I've been verbally blogging to myself more than anything, and it has not been good for me. And I keep doing it over and over and over again. The same fucking thing again and again. It's depressing and maddening. I don't understand why I do this to myself. Maybe I secretly like hurting myself this way. Maybe somewhere in my messed up little head, I feel as if I deserve this personal torture.

I'm thinking that maybe if I write/type things out it won't hurt as much, but it probably will. My feelings are still the same so what is the difference between typing and speaking?